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Archive for August, 2010

NEW HEADER

We ordered a new header last week.  It came in yesterday and was installed while you slept.  The retro theme suits Claremont well,  as it seems we are sliding back to the past.  LOOK OUT CATAWBA, HERE WE COME!

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CARTOON OF THE WEEK

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We’re talking Amazon women.

We’re talking humongous, if you know what I mean.

We’re talking so many dead bodies that even Joe Bob couldn’t count em.

We’re talking Hundra.

Hundra is this flick about a blond bimbo who’s the only one to get out alive when her nomad Amazon women camp is raped and pillaged and burned up by a bunch of boys from the next town. I’m telling you, these bimbos get chopped up until it’s Chop Suey City.

You may be wondering why Hundra don’t get sliced into a salami sandwich with all the others. It’s because she’s out “getting meat” for the tribe.

Hundra is played by Laurene Landon, who was a lady wrestler in All the Marbles and is quite a fine fox, but when she gets back to the village of pillage she’s p.o.ed. These Vikings in horn hats are finishing everything off. Heads are rolling. Paint the forest red. The works.

Then the Viking geeks see Hundra, and they take off on horseback after her, only she stops behind a rock and starts picking them off with her bow and arrow. She has to take on about thirty of them at once.

She goes for the knives, pickaxes, regular axes, and those little stars that you spin through the air and hope they land in somebody’s throat. But her main weapon is she kicks em in the legs, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Finishes em all off, doesn’t even get her hair dirty. Time to go see the old lady of the tribe, sitting on her throne in a cave. The old lady says, well, Hundra, that’s too bad about the village of pillage, but, hey, get with the program, you gotta go get pregnant or there’s no more tribe.

No man will penetrate my

body,with his sword or

himself .

I’m very familiar with this line, and I have to give credit to the old lady, she handled it pretty well. Convinced Hundra she had to head south to the land of the sign of the bull, but before Hundra gets there, she’s attacked by a painted midget with a pitchfork.

Hundra doesn’t kill the little guy, but she does take his pitchfork and break it in half. I should have mentioned before—Hundra loves to break spears in half.

Next Hundra decides to take a bath in the ocean while riding on her horse. Good for Hundra.

Anyway, I gotta leave out a bunch of Hundra’s adventures, but it finally comes down to Hundra goin to the walled city of the Sign of the Bull, where women are herded up like cattle and fed to the slobbering men in the castle. It’s a fairly good place to get pregnant, since that’s about all the women do there, but for some reason Hundra don’t care for it. There’s only one guy Hundra wants to do it to her, but the guy thinks Hundra is one big turnoff. So she has to learn the arts of being a woman before the guy will agree to…well, let me just say that Hundra does go back for more.

We’re talking outdoor classic. We’re talking in excess of seventy corpses. Heads roll repeatedly. We’re only talking fourteen breasts because I didn’t count the dead ones. No motor vehicle chases, but the orgy makes up for it. Great kung fu.

Four stars.



Joe Bob says check it out.


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Walking to school not always

safe when sex offenders live

nearby.

HICKORY –

Patricia Martinec is worried about her two children getting to school safely each day.

Ages 6 and 9, the two boys walk a mile to Longview Elementary each morning. Martinec escorts them to ensure they get there OK. She has cause for concern. According to the N.C. sex offender registry, there are 14 sex offenders living within a one-mile radius of the school.

Longview Elementary is not alone. There are only a few schools in Catawba County that have no sex offenders living within a one-mile radius of the school.

Sex offenders not violating law

It’s not illegal for convicted sex offenders to live this close to schools, according to North Carolina law. General statute 14-208.16 says sex offenders cannot live within 1,000 feet of a school. When the Jessica Lunsford Act went into effect on Dec. 1, 2008, convicted sex offenders could no longer be within 300 feet of places children gather, including schools, childcare facilities or museums.

Newton-Conover City Schools ensures that it knows every sex offender that lives near its schools by utilizing the state’s public sex offender registry. Every convicted sex offender is listed on it. The registry allows anyone to sign up for alerts when a sex offender moves within one, three or five miles of an address. The school system’s personnel director and the principals are all signed up to get alerts, said Barry Redmond, Newton-Conover City Schools’ superintendent. And sometimes, things do crop up that need to be dealt with.

“I know we have located a bus stop differently in the past week due to the location of an offender,” Redmond said.

Catawba County Schools’ Board Chairwoman Joyce Spencer said the system hasn’t had a problem with sex offenders that she knows of. However, that doesn’t mean they haven’t had to make adjustments.

“Our bus stops and student services are designed for student safety,” Spencer said. “Depending on the age of a child or if any situation is unsafe, we’ll make adjustments. The safety of the student is always our main concern.”

Hickory Public Schools Superintendent Lillie Cox said the school system works closely with the Hickory Police Department to ensure the schools are safe.

All three school systems have measures in place to make the school campuses safe environments, including background checks on employees, and on volunteers that are alone with students. Visitors must check in at schools’ front offices. Almost every school in Catawba County has security cameras, and many schools have school resource officers.

Sex offender issue hits home for one mom

When Martinec moved to her neighborhood in Long View almost two years ago, she checked the registry.

“Whenever I move, I always check the sex offender registry,” she said.

She said the number of people on the registry living in close proximity to her home was not at the number it is today, and there were no sex offenders on her street.

During the 2009-10 school year, Martinec said her children rode the school bus. However, because of budget constraints this year, she was told the school system would have to abide by the law and the bus could no longer pick up her kids because they lived less than 1.5 miles from the school.

“I understand the bus can’t stop in front of every single house, but it can make one stop (on our street),” Martinec said. “There are about eight kids that live in this area.”

Martinec walks her children to school in the morning, but is unable to get them from school when they get out in the afternoon because of her work schedule. Her boyfriend goes to school and walks them home.

“He’s been walking them so they’re familiar with the route,” she said. “We want to make sure they know to stay out of the middle of the road and stay to the side, in case they ever have to walk it by themselves.”

In preparation for her children walking to school, Martinec checked the sex offender registry again this month. That was when she learned how many live near where her children would be walking to school. She keeps a file on all the registered offenders, including their mug shots, which she printed out.

Although she has considered moving, Martinec wants to remain where she is, because she likes Longview Elementary and wants her children to remain at the same school.

“I know that these people should be able to walk the streets, but I want my kids to be safe, too,” Martinec said.

A woman who lives further up the street also has two children who attend Longview Elementary. Martinec said their work schedules don’t match up so the adults could switch off walking with the children.

Inconsistent laws

Although Cox would not comment on this particular situation, she did say that Hickory Public Schools works with parents to try to make the best decision possible when it comes to students. She added that the law regarding transportation of students by bus is a state matter.

“The local school board does not develop state laws regarding sex offenders or transportation of students,” Cox said. “These laws and procedures are developed by state legislators and the Department of Public Instruction. Hickory Public Schools is following all state laws regarding the transportation of students to and from our schools. The issue of sex offenders in our neighborhoods is a community issue, and we work diligently to ensure the safety of our students on campus.”

Newton Police Chief Don Brown said he thinks the laws concerning the busing distance from a school and the distance a sex offender can live from a school should be the same.

“One thousand feet is very close to a school,” Brown said, although he added that asking a sex offender to live 1.5 miles away is asking a lot. “There needs to be a compromise somewhere between the two distances. I think the two policies should be consistent.”

Hickory Public Schools’ board of education member Gloria Hemphill said she also thinks the policies should be the same.

“We need to look at both issues, because they’re part and parcel. We can’t say ‘this is not my problem,’” she said. “We don’t want this issue to become real because there was a tragedy. We need to walk in that little kindergartner’s shoes.”

However, Hemphill said some of the burden is on the parent to sit down with their child and speak with them about safety and strangers.

“Neighbors don’t know neighbors anymore,” she said. “Children should walk in a group; parents should take turns walking with kids.”

Spencer said she would like to see a change in the sex offender law..

“I would be delighted to see any legislation that would keep sex offenders further away from our schools,” she said.

Using the sex offender registry

Like Newton-Conover City Schools and Martinec, Hickory Public Schools utilizes the sex offender registry to be aware of who’s in the area.

“Our principals and personnel office are registered with the North Carolina Department of Justice to receive email alerts anytime a registered sex offender moves into the area near their school,” Cox said.

Using the state sex offender registry to be aware of who’s in your neighborhood is something Lt. Lynn Baker recommends. The head of the records division with the Catawba County Sheriff’s Office, his position is also over the sex offender registry for Catawba County.

“We try to provide the public with the information. That’s why it’s out there,” Baker said. “People can sign up for alerts for when a sex offender has moved.”

Offenses on the sex offender registry include kidnapping, felonious restraint and abduction of a minor, in addition to sex-related charges like indecent liberties, rape, incest and sexual exploitation, said Baker. An offender on the registry who is listed as an aggravated offender committed a crime with vaginal or anal penetration using force or the threat of violence. There is one of these offenders on the registry, who is in the radius of two schools.

There are about 250 convicted sex offenders in Catawba County, Baker said.

If a convicted sex offender moves, they have to notify law enforcement within three days. Sex offenders must also verify their address every six months, Baker said. If law enforcement discovers a convicted offender’s moved without notifying them, a warrant will be taken out for their arrest.

Hemphill is also a strong advocate of the sex offender registry.

“You don’t want to dog these people on there, but information is power,” she said. “Look at the registry.”

Source:  HICKORY DAILY HAS-BEEN

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EDITOR’S NOTE:

These people hang out anywhere children are likely to be found.  They are predators.  Parks, movie theaters and video game emporiums are choice locations.  They also worm their way into churches and scouting programs.

Beginning next month, all sex offenders who have moved to North Carolina from other states that require registration must register with their local sheriff’s department.  This is being done on the honor system!!! Thank your legislators.  However, should a sex offender be dishonorable and not register, he is subject to three years in stir.  Many will tempt the odds.

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BUSTED!!!

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ZEB P. BENNETT

Home
5915 REST HOME RD
CLAREMONT, NC 28610

Gender: M     Race: W
Hair: GREY OR PARTIAL     Eye: GREEN
Height: 5′ 10     Weight: 150
DOB: 02-27-1942     Age: 68

INDECENT LIBERTY MINOR
Conviction Date: 5/19/1992  Victim’s Age: None Reported

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OBITUARY

CLICK TO ENLARGE

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YOU DO THE MATH

IF Claremont is one mile square.

And IF the town hall is centrally located.

And IF we have town council meetings once a month.

And IF we are paying the town councilmen $100 a month for driving to the meetings……

WE ARE PAYING THEM $100 PER MILE FOR GAS ALLOWANCE!

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IMPORTANT TRIVIA

A “Blue Moon” is the second full moon in a calendar month (it is rarely blue).

A bibliophile is a collector of rare books. A bibliopole is a seller of rare books.

A ghost writer pens an anonymous book.

A magic potion or charm thought to arouse sexual love, especially toward a specific person, is known as a “philter.”

A poem written to celebrate a wedding is called an epithalamium.

A speleologist studies caves.

Anagrams amused the ancient Greeks, Romans and Hebrews, and were popular during the Middle Ages.

“Aromatherapy” is a term coined by French chemist René Maurice Gattefossé in the 1920′s to describe the practice of using essential oils taken from plants, flowers, roots, seeds, etc., in healing.

Ballistics is the science that deals with the motion of projectiles.

Cannibalism, eating human flesh, is also called anthropophagy.

DNA stands for Deoxyribonucleicacid.

In 1945 a computer at Harvard malfunctioned and Grace Hopper, who was working on the computer, investigated, found a moth in one of the circuits and removed it. Ever since, when something goes wrong with a computer, it is said to have a bug in it.

In the 19th century, craftsmen who made hats were known to be excitable and irrational, as well as to tremble with palsy and mix up their words. Such behavior gave rise to the familiar expression “mad as a hatter”. The disorder, called hatter’s shakes, was caused by chronic mercury poisoning from the solution used to treat the felt. Attacking the central nervous system, the toxin led to behavioral symptoms.

In the Middle Ages, young men and women drew names from a bowl to see who their valentines would be. They would wear these names on their sleeves for one week. To wear your heart on your sleeve now means that it is easy for other people to know how you are feeling.

“Kemo Sabe” means “soggy shrub” in Navajo.

“Long in the tooth,” meaning “old,” was originally used to describe horses. As horses age, their gums recede, giving the impression that their teeth are growing. The longer the teeth look, the older the horse.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.

Oddly, no term existed for “homosexuality” in ancient Greece – there were only a variety of expressions referring to specific homosexual roles. Experts find this baffling, as the old Greek culture regarded male/male love in the highest regard. According to several linguists, the word “homosexual” was not coined until 1869 by the Hungarian physician Karoly Maria Benkert.

Of all the words in the English language, the word “set” has the most definitions.

“Ough” can be pronounced in eight different ways. The following sentence contains them all: “A rough-coated, dough-faced ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough, coughing and hiccoughing thoughtfully.

Poor whites in Florida and Georgia are called “crackers.” They got the name from their principal staple food, cracked corn. Another theory states that the name comes from the days when they would drive cattle southward using the “crack” of their bullwhips to keep the animals in line and moving.

“Rhythms” is the longest English word without the normal vowels, a, e, i, o, or u.

“Second string,” meaning “replacement or backup,” comes from the middle ages. An archer always carried a second string in case the one on his bow broke.

The “O” when used as a prefix in Irish surnames means “descendant of.”

The “y” in signs reading “ye olde..” is properly pronounced with a “th” sound, not “y”. The “th” sound does not exist in Latin, so ancient Roman occupied (present day) England used the rune “thorn” to represent “th” sounds. With the advent of the printing press the character from the Roman alphabet which closest resembled thorn was the lower case “y”.

The ancient Romans built such an excellent system of roads that the saying arose “all roads lead to Rome,” that is, no matter which road one starts a journey on, he will finally reach Rome if he keeps on traveling. The popular saying came to mean that all ways or methods of doing something end in the same result, no method being better than another.

The correct response to the Irish greeting, “Top of the morning to you,” is “and the rest of the day to yourself.”

The expletive, “Holy Toledo,” refers to Toledo, Spain, which became an outstanding Christian cultural center in 1085.

The idiom “pillar of salt” means to have a stroke, or to become paralyzed and dead.

The last thing to happen is the ultimate. The next-to-last is the penultimate, and the second-to-last is the antepenultimate.

The phrase “raining cats and dogs” originated in 17th Century England. During heavy downpours of rain, many of these poor animals unfortunately drowned and their bodies would be seen floating in the rain torrents that raced through the streets. The situation gave the appearance that it had literally rained “cats and dogs” and led to the current expression.

The phrase “sleep tight” originated when mattresses were set upon ropes woven through the bed frame. To remedy sagging ropes, one would use a bed key to tighten the rope.

The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. Actually, that’s a piece of folk etymology. The phrase refers to the use of rough and ready practical experience rather than formal procedures in getting something done. It’s most likely that the saying comes from carpenters using the length of the first joint of the thumb, which is about an inch long, to measure things. So “rule” refers to a ruler in the sense of measurement, not of despotism or male chauvinism. Other parts of the body were used as a ruler, too. A foot was determined by a pace, the distance from the tip of the nose to the outstretched fingers is roughly a yard, and horse heights are still measured by hands—the width of the palm and closed thumb is about four inches.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

The ridges on the sides of coins are called reeding or milling.

The right side of a boat was called the starboard side due to the fact that the astronavigators used to stand out on the plank (which was on the right side) to get an unobstructed view of the stars. The left side was called the port side because that was the side that you put in on at the port.

The side of a hammer is a cheek.

The study of insects is called entomology.

The study of word origins is called etymology.

The symbol on the “pound” key (#) is called an octothorpe.

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INSPIRATION

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AGRICULTURE REPORT

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Local 13 of the Eastern Catawba County Marijuana Growers Association are reporting record harvests, according to President Zonker Sigmon.  Sigmon cites the abundance of rain, high heat and the slackness of the county sheriff for their success.

In a phone interview with Sigmon, he said, “You know….like wow….what was the question again?”

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A little birdie tells us that plans are being discussed to increase public usage of People’s Park as it has actually become an embarrassment to our town council.  Particularly under discussion is the “white elephant” laughingly called an amphitheater.  All of this without the inclusion of the out-lying Black community.  You may see the results in a couple of months…..maybe around the ALL-WHITE  Claremont Day Celebration.  Oh, wait a minute…there were some Blacks at last year’s Claremont Day.  They were proudly displayed on a flatbed truck trailer. LOL

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CARTOON OF THE WEEK

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BUSTED!!!


MARK EDWARD SHUFORD

Home
2103-2 EMANUEL CHURCH RD
CONOVER, NC 28613

Gender: M     Race: B
Hair: BLACK     Eye: BROWN
Height: 5′ 07     Weight: 200
DOB: 06-28-1973     Age: 37

SEXUAL OFFENSE WITH CERTAIN VICTIMS
Conviction Date: 9/21/2005  Victim’s Age: None Reported

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.

It seems our latest experiment in temporary employment has run its course.  Apparently Boss Hogg has had his fill of good ol’ Claremont….. or vice versa.  The town mothers are looking for his replacement.  DRAT!  And he had such a FUN name.  Maybe the next one will be named Lex Luthor.

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With heroin too expensive for many African addicts, some ask an addicted friend for a temporary fix — withdrawing a teaspoonful of the friend’s heroin-tinged blood and injecting it into their own bloodstream. Evidence of this practice (called “flashblood”) comes from anecdotes from health officials in Tanzania, Zanzibar and Kenya, reported in The New York Times in July. Doctors said they question the euphoria-producing quality of such tiny amounts of heroin, but are certain that flashblood will potently deliver any HIV present in the donor’s blood.

[New York Times, 7-13-10]

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