JOE BOB REVIEWS—”THE LEGEND OF BEAVER DAM”

Journalism is so biased in this country that nobody has anything good to say about child abuse, but thankfully “The Legend of Beaver Dam” comes from Canada, where you can still beat up children for the sake of your art. This is not only traditional Spam-in-a-cabin, but a full-blown musical (yes, that’s what I said) [...]

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EARL—COOL TOOLS

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DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY CIRCUS

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DEEP THOUGHTS by JACK HANDY

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

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DATE RAPE DRUGS CAN BE FATAL

DATE RAPE DRUGS CAN BE FATAL Because some drugs are colorless, tasteless, and odorless, individuals who want to intoxicate or sedate others can add them to beverages. In recent years, there has been an increase in reports of certain drugs used to commit sexual assaults. The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that over 430,000 people [...]

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BUSTED!!!

BUSTED!!! . DANIEL VINCENT ROSS Home 4570 HIGHWAY 16 NORTH CONOVER, NC 28613 Gender: M     Race: W Hair: BROWN     Eye: BROWN Height: 5′ 05     Weight: 120 DOB: 04-02-1962     Age: 48 RAPE 1ST DEGREE Conviction Date: 6/29/1992  Victim’s Age: None Reported RAPE 1ST DEGREE Conviction Date: 6/29/1992  Victim’s Age: None Reported INDECENT LIBERTY MINOR Conviction Date: 6/29/1992  Victim’s Age: None Reported INDECENT LIBERTY MINOR Conviction Date: 6/29/1992  Victim’s Age: None Reported INCEST WITH NEAR RELATIVES

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WOULD THE GOVERNMENT TELL A LIE?

“The Government is lying about the amount of debt. It is engaging in Enron accounting,” said Laurence Kotlikoff, an economist at Boston University and co-author of The Coming Generational Storm: What You Need to Know about America’s Economic Future. “Without changes,” wrote Social Security Commissioner Michael Astrue, “by 2037 the Social Security Trust Fund will [...]

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GUEST EDITORIAL

NOTE: Democrat strategist, Lady GaGa has asked for the Maine senators to help repeal the “don’t ask; don’t tell” policy now in force in our military. The 24-year-old singer also drew cheers by proposing a new law, titled, “If you don’t like it, go home,” which would remove homophobic straight soldiers from the military instead [...]

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YOUR COWPATTIE IS CAUSING MENTAL ANGUISH IN THE SEX OFFENDER COMMUNITY—AND FOR GOOD REASON

If it seems your CowPattie is becoming more and more devoted to listing and exposing LOCAL SEX OFFENDERS, you are correct.  This was not our original purpose but the area is so saturated with them that we felt it was our civic duty to follow through.  After all, they are a danger to the community [...]

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WILL BUDGET CUTS AFFECT CLAREMONT PD?

Editor’s note:  The following is excerpted from an article by Joel Hilliker. Will Your Local Policeman Lose His Job? Facing budget shortfalls, local governments cut back on public safety. If you can’t pay your police, who maintains law and order? It looks like America is about to find out. A poor economy is hammering city [...]

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POLICE CHIEF HAS BLOODY HANDS

ON REGISTERING SEX OFFENDERS There was a recent online conversation between one of our staffers and a man who claimed to be an ex-law enforcement officer with twenty-four years experience.  This LEO claimed that registering sex offenders was counter-productive and caused the offender mental anguish. Had the creep that murdered Concord Police Chief Merl Hamilton’s [...]

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VICTORIA JACKSON—”THERE’S A COMMUNIST IN THE WHITE HOUSE”

NOTE: Victoria Jackson was on Saturday Night Live for a number of years.  She was always a favorite character….. and ALWAYS FUNNY.

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JOE BOB REVIEWS “FERTILIZE THE BLASPHEMING ****”

I have this question about kung fu. I’ve personally witnessed every type of Kung Fu known to man. Full contact karate. Tae Kwon Do. Jujitsu. Kenpo karate. Dragon-fist fighting. Mad Monkey Kung Fu. Trampoline somersault samurai. Hong Kong Kendo. Spread-eagle triple-reverse serpent-on-a-spear kickboxing. Open-foot mustache-bashing. And now that kung fu movies are bigger than ever [...]

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STRANGER DANGER

HAMILTONS . Daughter of Concord Police Chief missing Editor’s note: The reason we are posting this article is Merl Hamilton used to be on the Hickory Police Department.  While there, he contributed to FOCUS… published by late CowPattie Pal, John Tucker. Concord Police Chief Merl Hamilton’s daughter, Valerie Grace Hamilton, was reported missing Thursday, according [...]

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CARTOON OF THE WEEK

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COWPATTIE CONDOM PATROLS

. After the used condom was discovered in the People’s Park parking lot, we decided to have some of our staff patrol other town properties for evidence of “misbehavior”.  We are doing this on a regular basis after numerous reports that the town council is regularly screwing Claremont taxpayers. No more condoms have been reported [...]

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