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Archive for March, 2010

THANK-YOU FOR


CALLING AT&T

If you live in Claremont, you are familiar with the nation’s worst rated telephone service.

HOW BAD IS IT?  It’s so bad that they don’t even have a listed number!

A PHONE COMPANY WITH AN UNLISTED NUMBER!? If you have a complaint, who do you call?  How do you report your phone out of order?  Call 911?

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BUSTED

BUSTED!!

Home

6126 OXFORD SCHOOL RD

CLAREMONT, NC 28610

INDECENT LIBERTY MINOR

Conviction Date: 10/1/2007

Gender: M     Race: W

Hair: BROWN     Eye: HAZEL

Height: 5′ 09     Weight: 200 lbs.

DOB: 05-21-1959     Age: 51

Markings

No markings provided.

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OUTINGS

This is “Humberto”.  Humberto comes to us from another country.  Humberto is looking for a “partner” who is friendly.  (That seems to work best)

When Humberto goes to school to learn to spell, we will pay for that with our tax money..

When Humberto contracts AIDS, we will pay for his medical care, too.

like the movies , camping go out to the mountains and have a lot of fun with a lot of happy friends. i also like to see movies of sex why lye everybody does like sex.

Smoking

Doesn’t smoke

Any

Alcohol

Doesn’t drink

Any

Education

Some High School

Any

Employment Status

Self-employed

Any

Occupation

I’ll tell you later

Any

Income Level

$35,000 to $49,999

Any

Age

38 years old

26 to 46

Ethnicity

Hispanic/Latino

Caucasian (white), Hispanic/Latino

Height

5′ 8″

Any

Body Type

Average

Average

Eye Color

Brown

Any

Hair Color

Black

Any

Interests

Community Service, Travel, Computers / Internet, Television

Any

Astrological Sign

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Any

Political Views

Very liberal

Any

Sense of Humor

Friendly

Friendly

Social Setting

Better in small groups

Any

TV Watching Habits

Documentaries

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STUPID NAMES BLACKS NAME THEIR CHAPS

In analyzing this cultural disease, it became apparent that stupid black names fall under four major categories (listed in decreasing order of popularity):

  1. Swahili Bastardizations

  2. Megalomaniacal Descriptors

  3. Luxury Latch-Ons

  4. The Unfathomably Ridiculous

I will address these in turn.

Swahili Bastardizations

During the waning years of the Civil Rights Movement, black people all over the country decided to rebel against the dominant society by rejecting typical white (slave) names and adopting names closer to our own roots. The natural choice was, then, to adopt African names – but it wasn’t quite that simple. African Americans have a natural distrust of actual Africans…so we wanted to give our children names that sounded like they were from the mother continent, but wouldn’t make people think our children were actually African. It all went downhill from here.

Swahili names (taken from eastern and central Africa and typically applied to girls) and Arabic names (taken from north Africa and typically applied to boys) became ferociously popular – but for some reason many parents felt the need to mutate the Swahili names. So while boys received unaltered Arabic names like Ahmad and Kareem, girls were nominally saddled with senseless names like Shanequa and Shaquan. Parents to this day insist on naming their girls this way, despite the knowledge that doing so dooms their child to being perceived thusly by the population at large.

Megalomanical Descriptors

Again, girls were the ones who really took it in the neck when it suddenly became popular to name children names like ‘Pleasure’, ‘Heaven’, and ‘Serenity’. I can only assume that the parents think they’ll be the only people who ever call the child by her first name – daddies all over the world call their little girls ‘Precious’ without a second thought. But this logic is horrendously flawed, and akin to a girl legally changing her name to ‘Baby’, ‘Sweetheart’, or ‘Boo’ because that’s how her boyfriend addresses her.

Note to all prospective parents: nothing makes people more uncomfortable than having to address a complete freakin’ stranger as ‘Precious’ – and yes, to 99.99999999999999% of the world, your kid will be a stranger with an insufferable freakin’ name. Call your child all the pet names you want, but please leave it off the birth certificate.

Luxury Latch-Ons

For whatever reason, black parents all over the country decided that naming their children after expensive things would bode good fortune for them throughout their lives. Consequently, there are legions of unfortunate people (mostly girls, again) with names like Chanel, Mercedes, Chandelier, and even Prada (yes, I did meet a girl named Prada, and it was the worst day of my life.)

I have personally never met someone with an LL-O name that made more than $10 an hour – so all these parents are really doing is pigeon-holing their kids into careers that will always involve a name tag and the omnipresent threat of a grease fire. Take a look at the names of the richest people in North America, and you’ll quickly realize that simplicity is the key.

The Unfathomably Ridiculous

This is where the men finally get it…and as far as I’m concerned it makes up for the fact that girls bear the brunt of the first three categories. UR names span the gamut from gross misspellings of common names (e.g. Anfernee) to those that could only be the result of massive head trauma (e.g. Oranjello)

Interestingly, though, UR names seem to be the only ones that actually correlate with financial success in life. If you need proof, take a look at the roster for any team in the NBA and you’ll find at least half a dozen dudes with a UR name. So the names are stupid but OK if your aspirations are to raise a basketball player.

What are some of those names? Here’s a list from the book “Freakonomics,” by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner, showing the top 20 whitest- and blackest-sounding girl and boy names.

20 “Whitest” Girl Names

Molly

Amy

Claire

Emily

Katie

Madeline

Katelyn

Emma

Abigail

Carly

Jenna

Heather

Katherine

Caitlin

Kaitlin

Holly

Allison

Kaitlyn

Hannah

Kathryn

20 “Blackest” Girl Names

Imani

Ebony

Shanice

Aaliyah

Precious

Nia

Deja

Diamond

Asia

Aliyah

Jada

Tierra

Tiara

Kiara

Jazmine

Jasmin

Jazmin

Jasmine

Alexus

Raven

20 “Whitest” Boy Names

Jake

Connor

Tanner

Wyatt

Cody

Dustin

Luke

Jack

Scott

Logan

Cole

Lucas

Bradley

Jacob

Garrett

Dylan

Maxwell

Hunter

Brett

Colin

20 “Blackest” Boy Names

DeShawn

DeAndre

Marquis

Darnell

Terrell

Malik

Trevon

Tyrone

Willie

Dominique

Demetrius

Reginald

Jamal

Maurice

Jalen

Darius

Xavier

Terrance

Andre

Darryl

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Details about Britain’s biggest marijuana-importing operation emerged in March following the conviction of its three managers in Southwark Crown Court. The enterprise earned the equivalent of as much as $300 million at such a rapid clip that the partners apparently were unable to use much of it, despite buying real estate, jewelry and expensive cars. An inspector said Scotland Yard found “moldy” cash “rotting away,” hidden under floorboards. “(I)t was no good to anybody.” [The Times (London), 3-5-10]

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Cultural Diversity

Florida’s Agriculture Department, acting on a tip, confiscated Giant African Snails believed to have been smuggled into the country by Charles Stewart of Hialeah, Fla., for use in the religion Ifa Orisha, which encourages followers to drink the snails’ mucus for its supposed healing powers. Actually, said the department (joined in the investigation by two federal agencies), bacteria in the mucus causes frequent violent vomiting, among other symptoms. At press time, Stewart had not been charged with a crime. [Miami Herald, 3-10-10]

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