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Archive for July, 2011

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ONLY IN AMERICA

The initial explanation by Melvin Jackson, 48, upon his arrest in June for sexually assaulting an unconscious woman in Kansas City, Mo., was to deny that he would ever do such a thing. Rather, he said, “I thought the lady was dead.” [Kansas City Star]

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The initial explanation by Thomas O’Neil, 47, upon his arrest in Wausau, Wis., in June for criminal damage to property (breaking into a neighbor’s garage and defecating on the floor) was to claim that he thought he was in his own garage. [Sheboygan Press]

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According to a bailiff, convicted car thief Thomas Done, 33, spent almost a half-hour at his June sentencing “shucking and jiving” Ogden, Utah, Judge Michael Lyon before finally finagling probation (instead of 15 years in prison) — by expressing parental love for his young daughter and blaming his recidivist criminality on his girlfriend’s infidelity. However, literally seconds after Judge Lyon announced probation, Done, noticing his girlfriend in the courtroom, made a gun-triggering motion with his thumb and fingers and said, “Boom, bitch.” A bailiff reported the gesture to the judge, who declared Done in violation of his brand-new probation and ordered him re-sentenced. [Standard-Examiner (Ogden, Utah)]

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Initially, all Jay Rodgers wanted was for the fellow Atlanta gas station customer to say “thank you” when Rodgers held the door for him, but the man remained silent, and Rodgers pressed the issue, confronting him and even following the man out to his car — where the man pulled a gun and shot Rodgers in the abdomen, sending him to the hospital for nine days. (Interviewed on WSB-TV in May, Rodgers resumed nagging the man, urging him to “do the right thing” by turning himself in.) [WSB-TV (Atlanta)]

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“What an actor that guy is!”

“She is SUCH a little actress!”

When people say stuff like this, they usually mean, “What a LIAR!”

Sometimes you’ll see a lawyer manipulating all the facts in the courtroom, acting self-righteous to make the jury cry, doing a thousand little tricks, and his mom will say, “Look at Richard. He’s the REAL actor in this family.”

And this is a little annoying. Especially if you’re an actor. Because I know a lot of actors, and they spend all their time, every day, thinking about how to be . . . truthful. How to say the lines in such a way that they’re NOT LYING. In fact, when somebody says, “The acting was sooooo bad,” they generally just mean that the person was obviously LYING. He didn’t mean what he was saying.

Actors aren’t con men. They’re TRUTH MEN. They’re trying to talk the way we would ALL talk if we told the truth, except we never do. They don’t even believe in doing the role until they really feel some genuine emotion. In life, nobody waits to feel anything genuine. They just blurt out the first thing off the top of their head, whether it means anything or not.

When an actor nails a role, when he really truly believes every single thing he ever says, when everything looks just exactly the way it SHOULD look, then everyone says, “He was just being himself,” or, “He must be that way in real life.”

They NEVER say “What a great actor!”

But take somebody like Charlton Heston, or James Earl Jones, or Katharine Hepburn, who always OVERACTS a little bit, somebody who does that old Hollywood thing of making everything BIGGER THAN IT SHOULD BE, and people say “What a genius!”

In other words, if you lie in a CERTAIN way, you become a great actor. But you have to lie in a powerful way. If you lie in a weak way, like amateurs do, then you just suck.

Barbara Hershey is a great actress. We know this because she’s invisible. She’s different every time you see her. She finds the true moment. Willem Dafoe is a great actor. And both of these people are “hard to cast.” (There are much HARDER people to cast, but I’m using these two because they’re famous IN SPITE of being good actors.)

The reason they’re “hard to cast” is that you can’t think of them and immediately see what they would look like in a role.

If you hear an actor’s name, and you immediately think of a certain style, and a certain voice, and a certain way of doing things, then that’s not a great actor.

That’s a great liar.

We used to have a show business term for this, but you don’t hear it much anymore.

I think it’s called “ham.”

I’m surprised I have to point this out.

And speaking of kick-butt acting, “Mute Witness” is the latest low-budget flick out of Moscow, and it’s not only a great thriller, but they use Oleg Jankowskij–the Robert DeNiro of Russian film–as the Numero Uno bad guy.

For about three years now, ever since the Russkies flip-flopped, they’ve been renting out the great Mosfilm studios to American B-movie producers. First we had “Haunted Symphony,” one of the best Edgar Alan Poe-type horror flicks of the last ten years. Then we had “Bram Stoker’s Burial of the Rats.” And now we’ve got the best one yet, “Mute Witness,” which–surprise!–is about a group of American filmmakers making a horror flick at Mosfilm.

Marina Sudina is a special-effects makeup artist, the kind who knows how to paint the walls red with gore, and one night after filming she gets locked in the studio. She hears a noise, investigates, and witnesses what looks like a porno film being made by a couple of creeps from the Russian crew. Unfortunately, the star of the porn film is a big-breasted mama with 70 miles of bad highway on her face, and at the climax, so to speak, she gets hacked up with a butcher knife.

Marina can’t speak. She’s a mute. But she knows she didn’t see any special-effects makeup. Then Oleg, he of the butcher knife, hears a noise in the studio and high-tails it after her, leading to one long chase scene that lasts all night and involves the Russian Mafia, the Russian cops, a goofball American director, and his girlfriend.

Zaniness with deadly weapons ensues.

There hasn’t been a mute-girl movie this good since Abel Ferrara’s “Ms. 45.”

Nine dead bodies. Four breasts. Multiple stab wounds. Deadly aardvarking. Body-chopping. One motor vehicle chase. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Marina Sudina, as the mute heroine, for saying ”       “; Fay Ripley, as the concerned sister-turned-gun-toting avenger; Evan Richards, as the shallow American director; Oleg Jankowskij, as the snuffster; and Anthony Waller, the first-time writer/director, for doing it the drive-in way.

Four stars.

Joe Bob says check it out.

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Boy born with 34 fingers and toes

By FRAN WETZEL

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A little boy stunned medics after being born with 34 fingers and toes.

One-year-old Akshat Saxena had seven fingers on each hand and ten toes on each foot — but no thumbs.

His condition is a genetic disorder known as polydactyl.

Akshat, from Uttar Pradesh, northern India, has since had surgery to remove the excess digits.

And doctors are trying to construct thumbs from the fingers they amputated.

Mum Amrita said: “I was so happy to see my baby as it was our first child. But later, when I saw his fingers, I was shocked and surprised.”

Amrita later learned that her son had broken the world record for the child with the most fingers and toes.

 The previous record holder was a six-year-old boy in China who had 15 fingers and 16 toes.

Amrita said a friend told her that Akshat was special.

She said: “He read on the internet about the baby born in China. Then he said that my boy has broken the record of having 34 fingers.

“At first I was not convinced at all. It was hard to believe that my son has broken the record.

“But later, he along with my husband and younger sister registered the data on the internet.”

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DIY SURGURY

Man tries surgery on own hernia

using butter knife

He was found with a butter knife protruding from a stomach wound.

GLENDALE — A 63-year-old Glendale man was in stable condition Monday after he apparently attempted surgery on himself with a six-inch butter knife in an attempt to remove a protruding hernia from his stomach, police said.

The man, whose name wasn’t released, was taken just after 7:32 p.m. Sunday to Los Angeles County-USC Medical Center, where he was treated for his injury, according to Glendale police.

When police arrived at the man’s home on the 1000 block of Columbus Avenue, they saw the naked man lying outside on a lounge chair with what appeared to be the handle of a knife protruding from his stomach, Police Sgt. Tom Lorenz said.

As police waited for paramedics to arrive, Lorenz said the man pulled out the knife and shoved a cigarette he was smoking inside the open wound.

The man was immediately placed on a psychiatric hold and taken to the hospital, Lorenz said.

The man’s wife had reportedly notified police that her husband had become upset about the hernia and wanted to take it out.

“Out of frustration, he tried to cut it out,” Lorenz said.

In attempting to remove his own hernia, said Sam Carvajal, a surgeon at Glendale Adventist Medical Center, he likely caused more harm than good.

“It is absolutely impossible for someone to fix their own hernia,” Carvajal said.

And most hernia patients don’t suffer severe enough pain that would cause them to attempt surgery on themselves, he added.

“Obviously, there is some amount of psychosis going on,” Carvajal said.

Repairing a hernia is a relatively easy surgery that lasts about 20 to 30 minutes, he said.

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THE X FILES

200ft crop circle within yards of Stonehenge

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By Daily Mail Reporter

Who built Stonehenge has long been the subject of debate among scholars.

But now the ancient site has offered up another conundrum – in the form of a giant crop circle.

This impressive 200ft design appeared within sight of the ancient monument yesterday.

And as ever the debate will rise as to who is responsible.

The huge 200ft diameter crop circle appeared in a field of wheat alongside Stonehenge

The huge 200ft diameter crop circle appeared in a field of wheat alongside Stonehenge

Some believe they are manmade, others that they are caused by earth’s magnetic field. And there are a number who are convinced they are the work of extra-terrestrials

The ancient site is widely considered the most important prehistoric monument in Britain and is proving to be a hot spot for the phenomena this season.

Yesterday’s design is just the latest in a spate of crop circles to have appeared in Wiltshire in the past few weeks.

Online enthusiast Eliakis Joseph-Sophia attempted to offer some explanation, believing the that the ‘three half moons in the crop and that could indicate plans due to budgets in the third quarter.

‘The crop is the other side of the road from Stonehenge. So clearly, the people involved in this crop cannot reach the sacred stones.’

This crop circle is the third to appear in Stonehenge this year

This crop circle is the third to appear in Stonehenge this year

The mystery of how crop circles are created has never been solved although they are widely considered to be an elaborate hoax.

Cynics have claimed the patterns are the work of computer scientists using teams of volunteers.

However crop circle enthusiasts argue there are not enough hours of darkness in summer to allow them to be completed by humans.

Many people believe the patterns are a message from extra-terrestrial lifeforms or even God.

Another theory is that colossal energy is amassed above the earth in the ionosphere and then zapped towards the ground where it creates the crop circle usually on chalky ground in areas traditionally known for their ‘energy lines’ and mystical past.

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