STUPID NAMES BLACKS NAME THEIR CHAPS
In analyzing this cultural disease, it became apparent that stupid black names fall under four major categories (listed in decreasing order of popularity):
The Unfathomably Ridiculous
I will address these in turn.
During the waning years of the Civil Rights Movement, black people all over the country decided to rebel against the dominant society by rejecting typical white (slave) names and adopting names closer to our own roots. The natural choice was, then, to adopt African names – but it wasn’t quite that simple. African Americans have a natural distrust of actual Africans…so we wanted to give our children names that sounded like they were from the mother continent, but wouldn’t make people think our children were actually African. It all went downhill from here.
Swahili names (taken from eastern and central Africa and typically applied to girls) and Arabic names (taken from north Africa and typically applied to boys) became ferociously popular – but for some reason many parents felt the need to mutate the Swahili names. So while boys received unaltered Arabic names like Ahmad and Kareem, girls were nominally saddled with senseless names like Shanequa and Shaquan. Parents to this day insist on naming their girls this way, despite the knowledge that doing so dooms their child to being perceived thusly by the population at large.
Again, girls were the ones who really took it in the neck when it suddenly became popular to name children names like ‘Pleasure’, ‘Heaven’, and ‘Serenity’. I can only assume that the parents think they’ll be the only people who ever call the child by her first name – daddies all over the world call their little girls ‘Precious’ without a second thought. But this logic is horrendously flawed, and akin to a girl legally changing her name to ‘Baby’, ‘Sweetheart’, or ‘Boo’ because that’s how her boyfriend addresses her.
Note to all prospective parents: nothing makes people more uncomfortable than having to address a complete freakin’ stranger as ‘Precious’ – and yes, to 99.99999999999999% of the world, your kid will be a stranger with an insufferable freakin’ name. Call your child all the pet names you want, but please leave it off the birth certificate.
For whatever reason, black parents all over the country decided that naming their children after expensive things would bode good fortune for them throughout their lives. Consequently, there are legions of unfortunate people (mostly girls, again) with names like Chanel, Mercedes, Chandelier, and even Prada (yes, I did meet a girl named Prada, and it was the worst day of my life.)
I have personally never met someone with an LL-O name that made more than $10 an hour – so all these parents are really doing is pigeon-holing their kids into careers that will always involve a name tag and the omnipresent threat of a grease fire. Take a look at the names of the richest people in North America, and you’ll quickly realize that simplicity is the key.
The Unfathomably Ridiculous
This is where the men finally get it…and as far as I’m concerned it makes up for the fact that girls bear the brunt of the first three categories. UR names span the gamut from gross misspellings of common names (e.g. Anfernee) to those that could only be the result of massive head trauma (e.g. Oranjello)
Interestingly, though, UR names seem to be the only ones that actually correlate with financial success in life. If you need proof, take a look at the roster for any team in the NBA and you’ll find at least half a dozen dudes with a UR name. So the names are stupid but OK if your aspirations are to raise a basketball player.
What are some of those names? Here’s a list from the book “Freakonomics,” by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner, showing the top 20 whitest- and blackest-sounding girl and boy names.
20 “Whitest” Girl Names
20 “Blackest” Girl Names
20 “Whitest” Boy Names
20 “Blackest” Boy Names