In analyzing this cultural disease, it became apparent that stupid black names fall under four major categories (listed in decreasing order of popularity):
Swahili Bastardizations
Megalomaniacal Descriptors
Luxury Latch-Ons
The Unfathomably Ridiculous
I will address these in turn.
Swahili Bastardizations
During the waning years of the Civil Rights Movement, black people all over the country decided to rebel against the dominant society by rejecting typical white (slave) names and adopting names closer to our own roots. The natural choice was, then, to adopt African names – but it wasn’t quite that simple. African Americans have a natural distrust of actual Africans…so we wanted to give our children names that sounded like they were from the mother continent, but wouldn’t make people think our children were actually African. It all went downhill from here.
Swahili names (taken from eastern and central Africa and typically applied to girls) and Arabic names (taken from north Africa and typically applied to boys) became ferociously popular – but for some reason many parents felt the need to mutate the Swahili names. So while boys received unaltered Arabic names like Ahmad and Kareem, girls were nominally saddled with senseless names like Shanequa and Shaquan. Parents to this day insist on naming their girls this way, despite the knowledge that doing so dooms their child to being perceived thusly by the population at large.
Megalomanical Descriptors
Again, girls were the ones who really took it in the neck when it suddenly became popular to name children names like ‘Pleasure’, ‘Heaven’, and ‘Serenity’. I can only assume that the parents think they’ll be the only people who ever call the child by her first name – daddies all over the world call their little girls ‘Precious’ without a second thought. But this logic is horrendously flawed, and akin to a girl legally changing her name to ‘Baby’, ‘Sweetheart’, or ‘Boo’ because that’s how her boyfriend addresses her.
Note to all prospective parents: nothing makes people more uncomfortable than having to address a complete freakin’ stranger as ‘Precious’ – and yes, to 99.99999999999999% of the world, your kid will be a stranger with an insufferable freakin’ name. Call your child all the pet names you want, but please leave it off the birth certificate.
Luxury Latch-Ons
For whatever reason, black parents all over the country decided that naming their children after expensive things would bode good fortune for them throughout their lives. Consequently, there are legions of unfortunate people (mostly girls, again) with names like Chanel, Mercedes, Chandelier, and even Prada (yes, I did meet a girl named Prada, and it was the worst day of my life.)
I have personally never met someone with an LL-O name that made more than $10 an hour – so all these parents are really doing is pigeon-holing their kids into careers that will always involve a name tag and the omnipresent threat of a grease fire. Take a look at the names of the richest people in North America, and you’ll quickly realize that simplicity is the key.
The Unfathomably Ridiculous
This is where the men finally get it…and as far as I’m concerned it makes up for the fact that girls bear the brunt of the first three categories. UR names span the gamut from gross misspellings of common names (e.g. Anfernee) to those that could only be the result of massive head trauma (e.g. Oranjello)
Interestingly, though, UR names seem to be the only ones that actually correlate with financial success in life. If you need proof, take a look at the roster for any team in the NBA and you’ll find at least half a dozen dudes with a UR name. So the names are stupid but OK if your aspirations are to raise a basketball player.
What are some of those names? Here’s a list from the book “Freakonomics,” by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner, showing the top 20 whitest- and blackest-sounding girl and boy names.
what about the “fabric” series? ya know, Dacron, Antron, Banlon…… yes, i’ve actually SEEN these used. there are a million of these asinine names — why do they do it? how bout Jermajesty, messiah, King, etc…… I’d call them the “delusions of grandeur” names. then, there is the sub-category of stupid car names: Caprice, Lexus, etc…..
You know what kaffir? Us whiteys are smarter than you and can track you down through the internet and blow you nigger brains on the walls like you do in africa
How dare you say black names there are no such thing you are so racist and did you say white names WTH is your problem? (P.S give the devil my greetings when u die because that is where u r going )
Change ONE letter in your name and it, too, becomes a ghetto moniker. Hint: change the “i” to a “y”.
And, answer this? Have you EVER met a non-black with one of the listed names? Except Sean, which can be celtic.
I’ve met a ‘LaTrina’ and also encountered a ‘Diarrhea’ (pronounced ‘Daria’). These are actually the result of an all too common practice in hospitals back in the ’60’s and ’70’s.
Young interns, typically working overnight shifts (and usually extremely bored) would have contests to see who could convince young mothers to give their kids the most ridiculous names. These were typically poor, black, unwed mothers with almost no education… many of them nearly illiterate.
The doctors would offer up names like ‘Daria’, and then “help” the mother to spell that name on the birth certificate “Diarrhea”. They would likewise offer up names like LaTrina, (which sounds slightly foreign or exotic to a teen mom with a limited vocabulary).
These black parents with their stupid names for children are just hurting their children in the long run. Come on, get a clue! Proteon anyone. I actually knew someone with that name. Yikes!
can some people seriously not comprehend satire, or even realise that this is a satirical (or pisstake humour) thing? The point, methinks, is that there are plenty of ridiculous names that ARE used, and this shows that point by making it into satire… very well done!
Once you’ve moved in to your new facility, the unpacking process begins.
The procedure can be performed twice a day – in the morning and evening.
Some are family owned moving companies and others are large corporate movers.
Why is it that EVERY TIME a black person name their child a common name A WHITE PERSON got to say something because WHITE PEOPLE be wanting to be black
Just remember the N word doesn’t have to mean black. I have seen plenty of white trash N’s. Living all over. I also know a very well off WHITE man who started his own company at 20 named DaQuan. So just because your parents didn’t think the name out doesn’t mean that your going to end up a criminal.
How about Latrina? Keep naming ’em. Send in your applications. No jobs or apartments for y’all. Not necessary to send your picture or talk to your dumb ass to exclude your black nigger ass. WHO NEEDS NIGGERS?
It’s true that lots of black people give their kids funny names, but if you watch the show ‘Cops’ a lot, you’ll learn that the most common name amongst young black men is, “Ahdindu Nuffin”.
Keep an open mind.
Could you imagine it these black children were to get a good education. White people would give their kids these names. It’s not the names that hurts them it’s the lack of education. Ball players are looked up to because they are good at what they do in spite of their names.
Let’s do something about their education.
First thing is to get black mommas to actually send their kid to the school for that education, instead of letting Jarshavius and Precious roam the streets, while momma is out getting high. Colleges are begging black kids to attend for FREE but still can’t get that many takers. Can’t force them.
This is a racist piece of crap. I have met white girls named Chanel and Mercedes. I have also met black girls named Hannah and Abigail. A name does not necessarily define a persons race or how they behave. There are some with ‘ghetto’ names who are the nicest people you could ever meet. There are also those with ‘proper’ names who you wish you had never met.
gay
sydney’s real name is helga
‘Lequesha’ should be on the list…
How about Unitedstatesofamericaneeshaneekwa?
…….or Courtney.
How about Bonquiqui?
what about the “fabric” series? ya know, Dacron, Antron, Banlon…… yes, i’ve actually SEEN these used. there are a million of these asinine names — why do they do it? how bout Jermajesty, messiah, King, etc…… I’d call them the “delusions of grandeur” names. then, there is the sub-category of stupid car names: Caprice, Lexus, etc…..
Niggers just have inferior intellects facts are facts
Ight little bitch nigga
Bitch ass pussy
i’ve actually seen Darweeshi. sheesh.
Dumb ghetto niggers
U are rude
your probs an ugly fat ass white cracker.
You know what kaffir? Us whiteys are smarter than you and can track you down through the internet and blow you nigger brains on the walls like you do in africa
Hey now that’s mean and racist young man
ayoooo we was kangz n sheit
You probs talk like a niggah, homo homie, yo!
kill yourself
suk my kok kekekekekekekekekekekekekekek
If I have a girl her name shall be Diamond. And if its a boy i shall name him either his dad name Glenn .
How dare you say black names there are no such thing you are so racist and did you say white names WTH is your problem? (P.S give the devil my greetings when u die because that is where u r going )
Change ONE letter in your name and it, too, becomes a ghetto moniker. Hint: change the “i” to a “y”.
And, answer this? Have you EVER met a non-black with one of the listed names? Except Sean, which can be celtic.
BITCH!!!!!!
we wuz kingz n sheit yo!!
You sound really stereotypical and dumb.
I went to college with a black girl named Vagina…pronounced va-geen-a, but spelled like the mommy part…
I’ve met a ‘LaTrina’ and also encountered a ‘Diarrhea’ (pronounced ‘Daria’). These are actually the result of an all too common practice in hospitals back in the ’60’s and ’70’s.
Young interns, typically working overnight shifts (and usually extremely bored) would have contests to see who could convince young mothers to give their kids the most ridiculous names. These were typically poor, black, unwed mothers with almost no education… many of them nearly illiterate.
The doctors would offer up names like ‘Daria’, and then “help” the mother to spell that name on the birth certificate “Diarrhea”. They would likewise offer up names like LaTrina, (which sounds slightly foreign or exotic to a teen mom with a limited vocabulary).
that’s so FUNNY !!!
These black parents with their stupid names for children are just hurting their children in the long run. Come on, get a clue! Proteon anyone. I actually knew someone with that name. Yikes!
Um, yeah, not to be a dick or anything, there are definitely black names
can some people seriously not comprehend satire, or even realise that this is a satirical (or pisstake humour) thing? The point, methinks, is that there are plenty of ridiculous names that ARE used, and this shows that point by making it into satire… very well done!
The most asinine names I have encountered are:
D’iarrhea
10. D’ijon
9. D’ijonaise
8. Propecia
7. V’iagra
6. Lee’Lee
5. Sha’nee nee
4. Africa or Egypt
3. C’leopatra
2. Kizzy ( that started right after the mini-series Roots)
1. La’ Trine ( I seen this name in a yahoo post and told the idiot that the name meant a toilet and he gave me a thumbs down)
why are you so racist
Why are you worried about somebody else name??????????????? Very RACIST. FIND A LiFE
Stupid nigger just accept your inferior
haha seethe cope and dilate nigger you will never be a human
WHAT’S IN A NAME-DAISHA CHANGED TO LACKAWAANA WOULD STILL BE AS IDIOTIC!
Uh my name is Dominique and I am a white male, it is a French name and the proper spelling of Dominic which is an Anglicized version.
You belong on a hotel commercial with your fag lover.
Ha ha Clinton Dix. Who names their beloved child Ha ha? Get laughed at much?
His real name is Ha’Sean. Ha Ha is a nickname his grandmother gave him.
Once you’ve moved in to your new facility, the unpacking process begins.
The procedure can be performed twice a day – in the morning and evening.
Some are family owned moving companies and others are large corporate movers.
Why is it that EVERY TIME a black person name their child a common name A WHITE PERSON got to say something because WHITE PEOPLE be wanting to be black
Youze said dat rite bro.I wanna be black fo’ eva.damn day. I steady dream bout a nappy f
I’m black and have a 4.0 GPA and I think this is hilarious with all the stuff going on its all good to calm down, relax, and share a good laugh!
This just proves black people are stupid and have inferior intelkects facts be facts niggers
Just remember the N word doesn’t have to mean black. I have seen plenty of white trash N’s. Living all over. I also know a very well off WHITE man who started his own company at 20 named DaQuan. So just because your parents didn’t think the name out doesn’t mean that your going to end up a criminal.
there is a niglet on this tv shoe called the short game whose name is awesome,
Check out some Welsh names sometime. Twelve letters long, and one vowel if you’re lucky.
wow my name is kiara… im on that ghetto list tho
Ive seen a lot of white boys names are on the black boy list
I’m so happy to see my name is part of the whitest not names and my son and girlfriend arnt part of the black names thank god
A doctor I knew referred to those names as ‘ghetto French’.
This beats them all: “Placenta” , for real
Lemme axe you dis, you still be stain ober to yo aunties house? Sheeeee-itt niggah; gibs me a drank obbe dat corvossier.
Why wasn’t rectal itch on there for a black name…?
Someone please call the Triple K Mafia.
.
Black names Daequan Treysean traevon Daunte Antwone Desmond Andre Jamaal Jamar seantrelle anything starts with DE La Le
How about Latrina? Keep naming ’em. Send in your applications. No jobs or apartments for y’all. Not necessary to send your picture or talk to your dumb ass to exclude your black nigger ass. WHO NEEDS NIGGERS?
Your mother, you piece of shit!!!
Sintari should be up there
Products: LaVoris, DelMonte, Dorbella, Toyletta,
ASSHOLES!!!!
you a bitch
It’s true that lots of black people give their kids funny names, but if you watch the show ‘Cops’ a lot, you’ll learn that the most common name amongst young black men is, “Ahdindu Nuffin”.
Keep an open mind.
Could you imagine it these black children were to get a good education. White people would give their kids these names. It’s not the names that hurts them it’s the lack of education. Ball players are looked up to because they are good at what they do in spite of their names.
Let’s do something about their education.
First thing is to get black mommas to actually send their kid to the school for that education, instead of letting Jarshavius and Precious roam the streets, while momma is out getting high. Colleges are begging black kids to attend for FREE but still can’t get that many takers. Can’t force them.
thank you
Im mixed but my name is Alyssa, and my sister is white and her name is Jasmine…
hell noooo
This is a racist piece of crap. I have met white girls named Chanel and Mercedes. I have also met black girls named Hannah and Abigail. A name does not necessarily define a persons race or how they behave. There are some with ‘ghetto’ names who are the nicest people you could ever meet. There are also those with ‘proper’ names who you wish you had never met.
I’m not sure if you realize it or not, but most people realize we have a right to be a racist. You may not like it, but we have a right
Shameka or comeko are nigger names
This piece was not only horse-laughingly hilarious, but also more accurate than a NASA launch manifest. Splendid authorship.